by Pinky Vincent Shubert, CFRE
Managing Director, Clarezza Insights LLC

This year, I am experimenting with how I show up. It’s just enough to notice what changes when I stop leading with the usual script.

Recently I attended a donor stewardship event at the invitation of a friend, who is a Major Gifts Officer. These evenings have a familiar rhythm. The kind of evening where the lighting is soft, the food is good, and everyone is quietly sizing up the room.

I started a conversation with one of the donors, Michelle. We talked about the event, about the city, about what was on her mind. As the crowd began moving toward the main space, she paused, turned around, and said, “This was great. Thanks for not asking me what I do for a living.”

I smiled. That was the experiment.

The question we reach for on autopilot

As we head into the next gala, conference, or networking event, I keep wondering how we are opening conversations. Or shutting them down, watering them down to professional pleasantries with the very first question we reach for.

So what do you do?

And then we do what people do. We hear the title and the organization. And our instinct takes over: What can this person do for the organization? That instinct is useful sometimes, but it can also hide the motivations that make someone care, such as personal experience, passions, and the problems they want to solve.

Questions that Open Doors

Before asking someone’s role, try these questions that invite connection:

• Warm: “What brought you to this event?” followed with “How did you hear about the cause?”
• Deeper: “What’s top of mind for you lately?” or “What’s energizing you right now?”
• Delightful: “What is bringing you joy these days?”

People light up when they talk about hobbies, passions, and courses that have nothing to do with their professional identity. It also tends to surface the kind of information no job title or wealth screen will hand you.

At the donor event, I learned more about Michelle than I would have if I had started with what she did for a living. She spoke with passion and hands-on experience about ensuring kids with incarcerated family members are not left behind in schools. She was thoughtful and engaged. Michelle would welcome an invitation to join my friend’s organization board, if someone asked her.

That exchange led to a follow-up meeting. Michelle begins her board term next month.

Building Belonging in Small Moments

At your next event, try one of the three openers and listen for a signal: an activity, a personal connection, or a frustration. Follow up with an invite: “Would you like to meet our program lead?” or “Could we introduce you to someone working on that issue?”

With donor retention stabilizing at just 43.3 percent last year according to the Fundraising Effectiveness Project, these moments of connection build the relationships that keep donors giving.

As fundraisers, we are creating moments of inclusion. And sometimes that starts with choosing a better first question.

Reach out to me on LinkedIn to continue this conversation.

And I hope to see you at Fundraising Day New York on Friday, June 12th.

What’s one question you have used that changed a donor conversation?

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Pinky Vincent Shubert, CFRE, is a nonprofit executive, board leader, and immigrant who has lived in all five boroughs of New York City.

As Managing Director of Clarezza Insights LLC, she leads organizational transitions, facilitates strategic planning and staff retreats, and coaches teams to improve internal collaboration and fundraising results.

A frequent speaker and moderator, Pinky has presented at AFP ICON, Fundraising Day New York, WOC Symposium, and Nonprofit New York.

Pinky serves on the Global Board of AFP and on the AFP‑NYC board.